I am rarely regretful, of late anyway, for the dissolution of my marriage. I have come to believe that my former wife did me a bigger favor than she did herself in leaving me. Perhaps that sounds conceited…I don’t mean it to. I only mean that I gave up much more than she did for us to be together. She asked me to give things up…and I asked very little of her. Very little that I actually got, anyway.
But tonight, and most nights, I miss having someone in this room, in my bed. The void I feel is not a carnal one. It is one of a more personal intimacy. It is a feeling of security and of providing security. Of needing and feeling needed. It is a need for closeness.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m doing okay, and this will pass. But I feel as though a big part of the reason why I was willing to stick it out in my marriage was to avoid this feeling, this loneliness that I have now.
It’s not like me to share these feelings as I’m feeling them. I tend to talk about them in the past tense, when I am detached from the moment and from the emotion. I only write this here because my feelings are such that I must connect with SOMEONE…even if very few people actually read this blog. So I connect to my computer. I try to find the intimacy in my fingertips stroking the keys and listening to a singer who knows how to define loneliness with an aching note.
Anyway. I’ll feel better tomorrow.
