Back On The Table

Immediately after my wedding, but before the pictures and the reception, my former wife and I raised a glass in toast to the gathered guests.  I delivered the toast, and the essence of it was that she and I were…and this is a word I use only in this context…blessed to have such good people in our lives.  I can’t and shouldn’t speak for my former wife anymore, but this is a sentiment I’ve always had, and is one that I continue to have now.  I have always been fortunate to attract good people to myself.  My friends are the best people in the world.

In my experience, one of the sad but unavoidable byproducts of settling into monogamous bliss is the inevitable increase in separation between one and one’s friends.  The more serious you get, the more marked this separation becomes.  It’s not that you love your friends any the less, it’s simply that your life has changed…it is no longer exclusively yours.  (And if you don’t believe this, you should not get married.)  And in some cases, you have to make a choice.  Sometimes your friends have needs that you cannot meet if you are to meet the needs of your significant other.  And hands down, your significant other comes first.  I still believe that, because your significant other is your premier friend, your most important person.

But my former wife and I are no longer together, obviously.  As sad as that is, I’m a glass half-full kinda guy.  The dissolution of my marriage has made me realize there were things…and people…that I took off of the table for my wife’s sake.  There’s no reason those things, and those people, can’t be put back into play.

Truth is, I’ve always wanted to live in New York City and I’ve always wanted to live in London.  Those were absolutely not options in Natalie’s world, so they stopped being options in mine when we took the vows.  But as a single man, those balls are put back into play.  Maybe I’ll make those moves some day.  I don’t want them as badly as I once did…my roots in Los Angeles run pretty deep now…but they still intrigue me.  Those moves are back on the table.

Far more importantly, though, I have reconnected with and spent time with so many of my friends in the wake of my separation and impending divorce.  For me, many of my friends are more than friends.  I have one friend with three children, three daughters, and those little (and not-so-little) girls are family to me.  This friend and I had been separated for years, in part her doing, and in part mine, because of my marriage.  And now we are close once more.  As I get older, I realize that the circumstances of my life have possibly put children out of the picture for me.  I hope not, but you never know.  And those little girls, who call me Uncle Justin or Uncle J…they mean the world to me.  Because they are good people born of a good person, one of my best friends.

But my nieces are hardly the only reconnections I’ve made.  A lot of great people have reentered my life.  One friend is walking my path of separation and divorce, and in similar fashion.  Like me, that guy grew more distant from his friends while in his marital family, but now he is able to grab his friendships once more, and with both hands.

Very few people understand what it is to have friends like mine, or to be a friend like me.  I feel bad for those people.  My friends make me feel loved when I am alone.  They lend me strength when I feel weak.  And they fill the time we spend together with joy and laughter.  I am truly…and I do not use this word lightly or by accident…blessed.

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